Death Star Salesman tries to Seal the Deal

Death Star SalesmanA long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

A humble salesman by the name of Jerry Pitchwalker was off to the biggest meeting of his life. He’d managed to wrangle his way into a great gig working for Death Stars R Us, and he’d been in talks with a fantastic prospect which he was sure he could convert.

He had a strong feeling that this final face-to-face meeting would be the one to push them over the line and earn him a juicy commission, just in time for Life Day!

Jerry hoped that his sales senses were finely attuned…


“Hey guys, really great to see you again!”

“Hi Jerry.”

“So I hear you had fun when you toured the weapon last week?”

“Yup, everything was in pristine condition. Although we did actually find that there was something living in the garbage compactor…”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that! How was the live demonstration of the weapon?”

“Well it was a nice show, but to be honest we found it a little underwhelming.”


“Well yeah, I mean, we only fired on Delross XV. We were hoping to see something a bit bigger than a moon getting destroyed.”

“Now hang on just one minute! That’s no moon! That was a dwarf planet!”

“Okay whatever, but it was still a lot smaller than anything we’re likely to be aiming at.”

“Well what you saw at the demo was the weapon firing at just 10% capacity. I promise you that it has no trouble at all when pointed at something much bigger!”

“Hm, you mentioned before that you have some case studies?”

“Sure! One of the Hutts approached us recently saying that they’d grown sick and tired of the Gungans. I don’t think they’d personally offended him, I got the impression that he just found them irritating.

“Anyway, not one for subtlety, he used our Death Star Deluxe model to blast the entirety of Naboo to rubble!”

“That actually raises an issue we have. The moon… Sorry, dwarf planet we blew up at the demo was completely vaporised, but we’ve heard that destroying proper planets can be quite messy.”

“Well yeah, there is a lot of debris left over, but I can assure you there would be no survivors!”

“That’s fine, it’s just that we’d have to remember to update hyperspace charts after using it, to make sure you don’t pop out in an asteroid field…”

“Just tell me this. How will you feel when you blow up your first planet?”

“Pretty good I guess…”

“Pretty good!?!? The only thing stopping you from feeling on top of the world would be the fact that there’s no longer a world to be on top of!”

“Right, but it’s not about how it makes us feel! This is a monumental investment and we need to be sure that it’s worthwhile! Our engineers have been looking over the user manual you sent across, and we’re more than a little concerned about this exhaust port…”

“Look, you’re not the first people to raise this issue, but this is so not a vulnerability!

“To reach that exhaust port, you’d have to pilot a small ship down miles of narrow trench, dodging thousands of laser turrets and obstacles. Then you’d have to fire a perfect shot into an opening barely big enough for a single torpedo.

Our engineer has assured me that it’s not a weak point at all. It’s simply impossible, unless you happen to be up against someone with the Force or something! And how likely is that?”

“Well actually…”

“Besides, we offer a full 12-month warranty on your purchase! So even if this one were somehow destroyed, we’re contractually obliged to start building you another one right away!”

“Jerry, you’re a nice guy, but in all honesty we’re not sure whether the Death Star is a good fit for our Rebellion.”

“Oh, sure it is!”

“No, it’s not. How can we claim to be the good guys if we’re using a weapon which causes collateral damage on a planetary scale? Just look at your case study! Sure, no-one will miss the Gungans, but what about the other people of Naboo?”


“And we really can’t get over this exhaust port thing. What are the chances of our enemies being able to use the Force? Their Supreme Commander is literally a Sith Lord!”


“Sorry Jerry, but I’m afraid this isn’t for us.”

*waving hand* “This is the ultimate weapon you’re looking for.”

“…Has that ever worked?”

“No… Sorry. Guess I’ll have to try selling to the Imperials instead.”

“Yeah, well good luck keeping your neck un-choked!”

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